Bride Wars

Bridezillas are no joke. You know who I'm talking about. The girls that think their wedding day is more important than any other day of any one's life, the girls that create theknot.com page two minutes after they are engaged, the girls that send marathon emails of dos and don'ts, the girls that think toenails, hairdos and jewelry have to be identical on their 'maids, the girls that lose sight of the marriage while planning the wedding. As I am going on bridesmaid duty for the 5th and 6th time this summer, I fortunately have never been subjected to the wrath of a Bridezilla. There is something, however, about Bridezillas to Be that I find so interesting. Below is one of the most impressive Bridezilla email specimens I've ever read (I know it's long but it's sooooo worth it):

My dearest fair 'maids:
So I'm doing that thing that Cosmo makes fun of so badly- I'm writing you an email with my expectations and wishes. It's cool though because Cosmo sucks, seriously. I apologize in advance if anything I write in this letter offends any of you, but we all come from different backgrounds and sometimes I make the assumption that people can read my
mind. If this gets a little too heavy, take a deep breath, walk away, and continue reading after you've calmed down. Lets begin, shall we? (this is really long, you might want to print it to read it- sorry)

ARTICLE 1: *Toes, feet, and shins*

we are wearing 1'', open toed, gold sandals. This means that we don't have to suffer through pantyhose. IT also means that I expect your toes to be perfect. We are all going to wear the same color nail polish on our toes. The color is called "socratease me" by OPI. I will have bottles of it that you may borrow, and most salons carry the OPI line. I
highly reccommend going to a manucurist because they do a damn good job and no, you really can't be painting your toes by yourself for an event like this. If you absolutely cannot get a manicure, we will paint your toes as a team the night before the wedding. To save money, a good place to go would be to local beauty schools that offer a discounted rate. Also,hate to be xenophobic but the "Chinese" places often offer a package deal for less than "American" salons. (FYI I am not a rascist). I trust you all to not paint your fingernails green, blue, black, etc and I also trust that you shave off your toe hair because girlfriend, if you haven't already, you're behind. One nice thing about these metallic shoes is that if you get spray-tanned, you don't have to worry about sweat staining the shoes! Please scuff up your shoes on the concrete a bit but DO NOT wear them out before the 28th, thank you.

ARTICLE 2: *Skin*

It always makes me cringe when someone talks about how bad another person's acne is because mine was so bad, I hate talking about skin...therefore the most important thing, I feel, is the potential for tan lines to appear at random. Specifically, almost everyone gets a little "ring" at the base of their neck from their T-Shirt that they can't see. This drives me bonkers! Farmer tans and sports bra tans are second on my list of absolute hatreds. Use sunscreen when you go outside unless you have a strapless top on because you really will look foolish. I tan so easily and the lines show up in a matter of minutes, no joke. If you would like a nice tan and you're concerned about looking tan quickly and safely, spray tan is always a good option but make sure you get the timing perfect or you'll be sweating tan onto the dress or peeling like Michael Jackson. Salon spray-tans are awesome and you can't tell that they're fake unless you have lots of dead skin on your feet and hands which should be taken care of if you get a petticure anyways! Katie
bought the new Jergens Soft Glow and it looks great for a natural sun tan topper that isn't orangey or streaky. I need to buy some!

ARTICLE 3:*Face*

All of you do your makeup well but I just wanted to pass on a few thoughts. Firstly, you're probably going to be better off putting on heavier makeup for the pictures- this came straight from the photographer. Second, DO NOT, I repeat- DO NOT wear PRISMATIC, ULTRA SHINY, OR HIGH SPARKLE OR GLOSS ANYTHING- eye shadow, lip gloss, whatev. We are having digital photographers and the digital camera is so intelligent that it picks up the light in each individual crystal in the makeup thus making you look like you have christmas lights planted in your face. To be frank, it looks like shit. If you go to www.maccosmetics.com, here is what I would say "no" to if you don't want to be a lightbulb head:
-FROST *NO
An iridescent shine that adds a highlight to any colour.
-LUSTRE *NO
Smoothly pearlized; intensely frosted with deluxe ultra-fine
"conditioned" finish.
-MATTE *YES
Hi-colour pay-off in a no-shine matte finish.
-SATIN *YES
Pure colour in a satin-style finish. Provides a soft subtle non-frost,
light-refractive sheen.
-VELUXE *YES
Superfine pigment rich and very luxe. Supple to apply. Provides silky
smooth matte finish.
-VELUXE PEARL *NO
Vibrantly-toned. Velvety soft. Shimmeringly metallic. Veluxe eye shadow,
now overlaid with high-shine pearl.
-VELVET *YES
Soft look finish with high-colour intensity. Has a plush velvety look
and feel.
Furthermore, don't underestimate the flash of a camera. If you are going to wear foundation and powder, the flash will reflect more off of the powder and foundation than you actually see in the mirror when you do your makeup. This is why sometimes in pictures girls look "ghostly" and whiter than they really are. Some ways to avoid this is mixing a bit of darker foundation in with your normal foundation and never underestimating the power of blush and bronzer. Bronzer mixed in with pressed powder is a good base for then a highlight with a light blush. Lastly, Make sure everything you wear is waterproof. This is obvious because we're going to be sweating and running and oozing and we all know how much Laura needs her eyedrops ;o) Don't neglect to pluck the brows before the day of so you're not all swollen. I'll make sure that we get a little "touchup" time before the pictures because the church is not air conditioned! Yikes! MAC makes a great finishing spray that is like a mineral "hair spray" for your face that holds your makeup andconditions/moistureizes. It is very expensive but I was going to buy it, maybe we could share- we'll see.

ARTICLE 4: *hair*

I am going to be getting my hair done at Belleza Salon the morning of. (This part is the part that for those of you who knew every word from here up might get frustrated with) I want all of you to have similar hairstyles, please. A giant "prom-hair" updo is not appropriate for this event. I will be dissapointed if you decide to forsake me and you're all
twisted and spiked and the hair is on top of your head with braids and bombs and flowers, etc. I might MAKE you wear something on your head that goes with the dresses. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to wear your hair totally down unless you're S.Petre (because let's face it- Petre looks like a Pantene commercial everyday). A low, more mature updo I feel would be more appropriate. Another great style would be 1/2 up and 1/2 down if it's subtle and clean and not an explosion of curls on your crown. Think 1960's flipped out like Kevin's mom on the "Wonder Years"
as opposed to Kelly Kapowski on "Saved by the Bell". I know that some of you have collicks and can't pull your hair back and that's totally cool but please make sure that if you get a sweep, there's room on one side of your head for me to potentially stick something in it. Once again, if you go to a professional, not only will they make it look perfect, but they will straighten it for you and spray you and all that junk. Please, please, please, go get your hair done because even though it is expensive, it will save you a lot of sanity and frustration. And believe me when I say this- my family will remember how bad your hair was for the next 50 family weddings and remind me of it on every Xmas. Don't be that rooty, frizzy, yucky girl. I don't even think that I have to tell you to get a root touch up because well seriously, we're classy ladies.

ARTICE 5: *Behavior*

NO SEX, NO DRUGS, NO ROCK AND ROLL. END OF STORY. No talking OR EVEN THINKING about S, D, and R&R in front of my grandmother and mother. They can read minds and they hold grudges IN A BIG WAY. Like Heinemann says, "Some people have hobbies, we judge" so keep this in mind as any social tabus will be quickly picked up and gossiped around the room (i.e. wearing the wrong color/the 11th commandment).My cousin Melissa got married 6 years ago and her bridesmaids were the gossip of every family wedding until the Pope died. So here comes the last of the bitch, are you ready?!

You will not chew gum in church. You will not slouch when standing up. You will not rock back and forth in boredom as the pastor drones on. You will not touch your hair, face, dress, armpit, whatever at all in the ceremony unless to lovingly wipe a tear or catch someone should they faint. If I could stand at attention in the blazing sun with a 45 pound
horn in my arms for hours at a time not moving, trust me, you can be composed for the ceremony. Please be as Zen as possible when "in uniform", no running, swearing, smoking, or throwing things (that one will be hardest for me). YOU will not be drunk for dinner. You will not use your outside voice at any given time during dinner or the reception until "drunk o clock". We can have some Champagne in the Hummer, but I trust your judgement to decipher when it is okay to have more than a few cocktails. You will not carry beer cans in your hand. You will not make out with anyone on the dance floor. You will not hike up your skirt and play your leg as if it were a guitar. Please do not bust out Kappa songs.

Lastly, I love you all and I'm so sorry that I had to tell you all this stuff. I'll do just about anything for any of your weddings should you want me to because I know I'm sure giving you all hell. If you have a question, hit me back.

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Ok, points for using the word "xenophobic", mentioning toe hair, using the metaphor of christmas lights regarding shimmer makeup, bringing up the prom up-do, and Kelly Kapowski, and honestly being a really well written and funny email considering.

Points off for slamming Michael Jackson's skin peeling (RIP) and not allowing leg guitars.